The Expensive Torture Chamber!

I wish to tell the world that before I write this blog, I am not searching for any form of sympathy from anybody, the purpose is solely to bring a smile to the reader's face, here we go.

After having several operations to remove a cancer tumour from my tongue in 2025, it was necessary to remove all but seven of my 75-year-old teeth due to the consequences of radiation on my face and neck. The teeth I was allowed to keep were 100% healthy ones according to the surgeon who whipped the rest out. BTW, post operation was painless due to a plethora of chemicals dripped into my arm, they are called painkillers (as if you did not know). After a few days, the numbness receded and the fluid nutrition given to me through a pipe in my nose down to my stomach, was revolting, but necessary.

Just a quick thank you to the German surgeons who performed the ops (were they German? I will never know) and the nurses who cared for me, apart from one, were absolutely BRILLIANT!

The following step in my recovery process was 30 doses of radiation in and around my bonce, I survived that! Then after gradually recovering (cancer patients who have been through the process, or chemo, and survived the ordeal will know how I felt afterwards; relieved!) it was just a matter of weeks before I had to enter a further 'torture chamber' called a dentist surgery. Sitting in their chair, luckily not an electric one, and having the dentist gaze upon me with a cheeky smile knowing what he had to do to my already damaged mouth, was not a feeling of comfort!

He explained to me the processes required to put a new set of gnashers into my mouth, it was similar to running the marathon! First grinding down the seven teeth left, I looked in the mirror after the torture and reflected on a horror film I once saw called, Jaws, my seven teeth left now resembled those of a blood-thirsty Great White (miniature versions). The dentist, two sessions later, fitted temporary plastic caps over my 'Jaws look-alike teeth' so at least I could eat something apart from porridge, soup, yoghurt, custard, etc. My wife, Liesbeth, a brilliant cook, was reaching panic levels attempting to create fluid foods to satisfy my distorted tastebuds (post radiation that is normal). Not to mention the effects of digesting fluid nutrition on my bowels; bouts of rather uncomfortable and painful constipation, ouch! In addition, after losing 25 kilos and looking like an Olympic marathon runner from Ethiopia, I needed protein, calories, and any form of fluid nutrition with which I could stop losing more weight, a very difficult dilemma to solve, but we managed it!

Back to the 'torture chamber'. After 3 months of visits to my super, but not so gentile dentist (thank the heavens his assistant showed rather more empathy for my situation) and my mouth being tugged, pulled, and stretched, my brand new teeth were fitted. Admittedly, they sat perfectly apart for a few minor adjustments required after difficulties removing my new gnashers at home. Compliments from the family, neighbours and my dog Lunar, made the whole torture process worthwhile, but then!

Now spies, prisoners, political opponents, terrorists, dissidents in Russia, USA, Syria, Libya, etc, caught and forced into torture chambers (slightly less comfortable ones than the chair I sat on) do not have to pay for the displeasure of being tortured, we did!

Our insurance covered 60% of the final bill handed to us by my favourite dentist (he was okay, but a typical dentist) 40% was left for us to pay. Now please sit down and suck the final piece of my epic, dental journey in. The total bill was 17.000 Euros!! Yes, it is true. The insurance covered 9 grand, not bucks, Euros, leaving us to fork out 8 big ones!!!

This is the extortionate price we must pay for having my gnashers removed, and requiring a new set of false teeth so I can at least chew on a slice of bread, eat a veggie burger, or a piece of my wife's delicious apple cake for the rest of my life!

Was it all worth it? Well I am still alive and kicking dealing with post-dental traumas when they arrive at 03.00am in bed and, looking at our bank account dwindling as I dribble on to the keyboard (just joking).

Mine are just as pretty!